So, I'm
going to try to update my blog a
bit more often -- aiming for a
weekly thing and Wednesday seems
like a good day to do it. Things
have been going pretty well, all
things considered, given the tone
of my last entry lol. I'm trying
my best to keep going and keep
moving through life, even if I
regularly feel upset and confused
by the things going on around me.
It really just... ugh. It
continues to strike me how little
I understand why people hate the
people they hate. Some of it, I
can get into their mindset and
figure it out but in the end, I'm
still left scratching my head...
The good
news is that after getting my
bloodwork back and finding out my
T is at like, 293, I got in touch
with my doctor and asked about
upping my dosage so I can get to
a more middle-of-the-road level
for a cis guy and we upped the
dose to 75mg a week. I'm going to
have to go get a new bottle
that's 200mg/ml but I've at least
worked out the dosage for the
100mg/ml bottle so I can finish
that off. No point in wasting it,
lol. I've got a surgery consult
on Friday, too. It took me awhile
to find a doctor who was willing
to work with someone my size --
which you'd think would be easier
since I'm not looking for
full-on top surgery/chest
masculinization, just a breast
reduction (which according to all
the studies is one of the safest
forms of plastic surgery for fat
people to get but well, surgeons
are kind of a fatphobic bunch
lmao *laughing because he'll cry
if he doesn't*. Plus I've figured
out a form of bottom surgery I
may actually be
interested in but I'm not 100%
sure.
The thought
of phalloplasty of any kind has
always made me deeply
uncomfortable since I'm the weird
trans guy who has no issues with
my natal genitalia whatsoever.
I'm really enjoying the changes T
has made to the area, don't get
me wrong -- I'm in total love
with the bigger clit (also ugh,
can I just say how much I hate
the phrase "tdick"?)
but honestly, I like having
a cunt. It's something I haven't
felt any discomfort with since I
was a teenager (and I think a lot
of that was tied to how
deep of a depression I was in
considering my favorite MCR
lyrics were "when I grow up
I want to be nothing at
all". Yikes, that poor kid.)
Anyway, yeah -- phalloplasty has
always 100% been something I have
no interest in, same for like a
vaginectomy or scrotoplasty or
any of that stuff. Thinking about
having those things done to my
body just makes me fucking
cringe. This isn't a judgement on
anyone who does want
those things, by the way. The
surgeries and results of them
aren't what makes me cringe. It's
the thought of myself having
a dick + no vag that makes me
feel so uncomfortable...
So I had
figured that like, there's no
form of bottom surgery I'm
interested in but... I found out
about metoidioplasty recently and
I'm kinda... That actually sounds
appealing. But then again, I
can't find any images of the
(healed) results and the chances
of my fat ass being able to get
cosmetic surgery like that is
like, painfully low... So I'm
just hoping the higher dosage of
T has an effect down there
because I'd really love for that
lol. I'm just so fucking into the
thought of it, lol.
It does suck
that I'm going to have to get up
at like, 8 am on Friday though
since it means I won't be able to
do karaoke on Thursday night, and
I do look forward to
that. Usually. I don't know,
sometimes I just don't have the
energy to deal with people I
don't know at the bar and
sometimes it's shard to find
somewhere to sit (which when you
have fibromyalgia and
hypermobility syndrome +
scoliosis and hyperlordosis
standing for any extended period
of time is a fucking nightmare
and hurts.) I really
wish we were doing karaoke on
Fridays at the wine bar that has
a unisex bathroom and no-smoking.
Even if it the drinks are more
expensive there. And they have couches
you can sit on. Which like?
Oh my god, so much better than a
bar stool when it comes to
comfort.
There's a
lot of other thoughts floating
around in my head right now but
I'm not entirely sure how to put
them into words so I think I'll
stop writing for now.
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