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Some Personal Updates

Mood: Nostalgic
Watching: The X-Files Season One and JoJo's Bizzare Adventure: Stone Ocean
Drinking: Seven Blossoms Tea with Sweet Italian Cream
Eating: Yellow Curry Flavored Mama Brand Ramen
Listening To: I Know What I Am - Band of Skulls

Things have been going... Well, not great lately but not bad, either. There's so much still happening with "discourse" in the online trans communities in social media spaces that I am just utterly exhausted with the whole situation. Which is part of why I've been updating the site so much (I also completely redid my NSFW website). I've started rewatching the X-Files for what is probably the fourth time in my life -- my memory basically being a sieve means that I have forgotten basically the entire show, except for how I feel about the characters. Which means I don't have to get re-attached to them. Which is fantastic, honestly. I'm also watching part 6 of JoJo's with my housemate -- which I'm also really enjoying. Part 5 was fantastic, I loved Giorno a whole lot. So far, I also really like Jolene. I don't think there's been a JoJo I haven't liked in the parts I've watched (3-6). But man, that series really can get weird (and what is Araki's obsession with piss? Like, dude! What the hell?) But I really love the art style especially. There's just something about it that's really visually pleasing.

That aside, stuff with transition is going... hm. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out a closer surgeon who's willing to do plus size gender affirming surgery, which has been really difficult so far. I've found two for sure that do surgery up to a 45BMI -- which is fantastic (I'm at 40BMI and struggled with severely disordered/restrictive eating since like 2015 so dieting is way out of the question -- as is increasing my excercise with my chronic pain + you try getting into physical shape/working out with 22lbs of fat and mammary tissue strapped to your chest). But they're in Miami and Atlanta -- and I'm up in western PA... I've gotten some suggestions from other trans dudes, surgeons they've seen... But not anyone quite as heavy as I am so far. My therapist suggested checking out the services offered by the PERSAD center and I found a healthline I can call that works to get trans people set up with the surgeries that they need, so that's another option. If only I didn't have so many issues with phone calls, lol. Being 30 and still having phone anxiety absolutely sucks ass, I do not recommend it.

That said, my chest congestion from the COVID is finally clearing up, so I can actually wear my binder again. Been working with trans tape and that works pretty well when I have the patience for it.It's mostly the removal that's the issue for me because you need to use oil to remove it and the liquid oil I have is just... miserable for me. The texture of it on my hands makes me absolutely want to rip my skin off -- which I have done several times while removing the tape because I get impatient waiting for the oil to soak in. But I'm thinking of trying something that I saw suggested by the person I originally heard about it from, so I'll update on how coconut oil works for me once I manage to pick some up (probably tomorrow).

Been working on getting my trans-centric body positive instagram going, which has been frustrating the hell out of me. Mostly because there are so many cis dude BBW fetishists who keep following and messaging me with the good old "hey" at 3 am. Or just sending me videos or pictures that instagram, thankfully, blocks. Instagram, however, can still suck my entire tdick because they're still shit to fat people. I shared some pictures I was really happy with today (well, yesterday, it's after midnight) and someone reported them -- and they were deemed to be "potentially upsetting" or "disturbing" and blurred out. Just...photos of me, shirtless with my arms crossed over my breasts to hide the nipples. Apparently, fat trans men shirtless are potentially "disturbing" which is... Nice. Really nice :/ I'm trying not to be too hurt by it. I'd kind of rather it had been removed for being "inappropriate"/"nudity". calling my body potentially "disturbing" just... Ouch lmao.

I think that's about everything that's currently on my mind, unless I wanted to get into the ways I'm feeling about transness, gender and sex assignment but ugh. That should be a blog post on its own, I think.

selfies from sunday that I took. first time in awhile I'd gotten dressed.
This is a really difficult time of year for me, usually but thankfully
we're nearing the end of that time.

The "offending" selfies from my instagram. As you can see they're... pretty fucking
non-offensive and not really anything that any reasonable
person would consider "potentially disturbing"